Because I’m a degenerate and because of this strange life I’ve been blessed with, I got invited to a $ 250,000 UFC poker tournament and also to be a judge in a miss tropic beauty contest all at the same time! WTF? That’s what I was thinking too.
Poker is not really my game, but I was gonna go up against beauty queen contestants and Cage fighters, I thought my chances were pretty good. So here I was in the poker room at the MGM about to start this crazy tournament, with poker players, hot ass bitches and scary fighters.
5 minutes after this photo was taken I sharted my pants. The smell was indescribable,
so here I am 35 years old a grown man sitting with a wet stain in my pants, I often get sticky pants but its usually on the front side. So here I was missing out on a quarter mil tournament squatting over a sink looking at myself in the mirror scrubbing my ass in the sink contemplating the meaning of life. I literally just wanted to start crying
but I got my shit together ,literally and figuratively went back downstairs and slayed half the fucking room in 2hours to become the chip leader, all the UFC fighters and pageant queens had been eliminated. And then I end up at the final two tables with only 14 people left, only the top 10 players will get a cash prize, all I have to do is sit there, and not play and I’ll make it in, but I was on fire and too aggressive. Fuuuuck! I played so stupid at the end I shouldve stayed out of some hands, i fucking even wore my Axl Rose shirt to remind myself that "nothing lasts forever" and to have "patience" I could’ve won this fucking thing! Johnny Chan was at my table, Johnny cashes at every game he’s in, he’s an OG gambler he plays every game in the casino, I played Bacarat with Johnny but never at poker, he’s the Michael Jordan of poker, he can read people soo good he could read your fucking fortune. Beating UFC champs is definitely cool and all, but Johnny Chan is the fucking man, And here he was at my table , and I went heads up with him with Ace card high I didn’t have shit . I put him in all in, and explosions were going off in my head if he was gonna catch my bluff, and that fucker folded! with only two chips left in the end Johnny knocked me out, he’s a real g , a real pro. Poker is unlike any other game in the casino, that shit is a real skill. How else do you explain him winning everytime. Ultimately in the end I lost the tournament but I can always say I went head to head with one of the greatest. Too bad he sucks at baccarat.
Anyways I was pretty fucking pissed at my bowels and card skills after the match, seeing this lion napping cooled me down a little ,
and then Sasha stopped by and we swapped shart stories, her’s was after a NIN concert hahaha, and that made me feel fetter.
I already fucked ARIA, she was more of a one night stand, and I moved on to the next one and I ended up wynning at the wynn. Whenever I win big like that I don’t like to drink, or party, so I don’t know how to process or express my feelings, it's like i just killed someone or robbed a bank, so my mind sort of implodes and I usually urinate or defecate on the bed or in a vase , or just do a plain upperdecker in my hotel room, (or i just play angrybirds, and when i say "play",i mean slay!! i got angry birds, angry birds RIO, and angry birds seasons, fully updated , every fucking level with three stars bitch!) to which your probably saying that’s so fucked up someone has to clean that up, and it’s true it really is fucked up, but i have an ongoing war with the hotel staff at all the hotels in vegas who have stolen cash, cameras, and laptops from my room. Anyways I feel like I’ve already said too much, so before you start hating, I didn’t shit on the bed , so even though I’m 35 and too old to be shitting my pants ,
I went ahead and did something else that 35 year old’s shouldn’t be doing to celebrate and express myself… never stop
